Finding pieces along the way…Dawn’s & Morgan’s story
My name is Dawn and I am a native Floridian. I have lived in Pensacola almost all of my life.
I attended all of my school years in Pensacola as well as graduating with an RN degree from then Pensacola Junior College (now Pensacola State College). In 2007 I moved to Kentucky for almost 10 years and practiced as an RN there. My assignments in Kentucky included Behavioral Medicine as well as educating prenatal and postnatal families. My Nursing career spanned over the areas of Pediatrics, Behavioral Health, Epidemiology, Prenatal and Postnatal education to families, and clinic Nurse.
I gave birth at the age of 30 to my only child, a beautiful baby boy, named Morgan. Being a Mom meant everything to me and I cherish the privilege of being his.
He was an incredible human, smart, funny, articulate, artistic, empathetic, and could talk to anyone about anything listening intently to them without judgement.
When Morgan was 30 years of age his baby girl was born to him and his wife. Morgan was a wonderful Dad and loved his daughter so very much and she, him. Morgan went through years of alcohol abuse and became sober when his daughter was born. Different stressors would begin to happen when his daughter was around 4 years of age. Still, he remained sober but unfortunately a doctor prescribed Morgan Ativan off label. The continuation of the prescription would be prescribed for the following 2 years.
Morgan and his wife began to have marital problems and he came to stay with me while they were separated. Morgan had an appointment with counseling set up and was extremely stressed by the separation and his understanding of how difficult it would be to get off of the Ativan.
We had a close relationship and he would talk to me about anything.
Unfortunately, he never shared that he was contemplating suicide and actually had told me he would never do such a thing.
On March 18th, 4 days after his 35th birthday, Morgan would commit suicide. I was outside and heard a sound unsure what it was, saw that Morgan had tried calling me 6 minutes earlier, and thought maybe he needed me for something. I went inside and found him. My world would never be the same.
It will be 3 years on March 18th this year. It has been quite the journey. A road so indescribable that at times it felt there were no words to express how it felt.
With faith, prayer, family and friends I have walked one foot in front of the other trying to honor my beautiful Morgan.
In the beginning I thought that I could somehow mentor someone or a group that were too walking that road of grief. Looking back I now know that it wasn't time for any such an opportunity to be given to me. I needed to go and grow through more time within my own loss trying to understand the many layers to which I was unveiling.
I have said that for me I compare the passing of Morgan as the picture of my life I had thought would be, was no more.
Many of those pieces, that made up the whole picture, of that life felt as though they were ripped away.
Like a big puzzle you had worked so hard to put together, the puzzle was dropped, and many of the pieces were gone.
Little by little I have found a piece or two along these nearly 3 years. Those pieces may not look exactly as they did but I have made them fit as perfectly as they can. There are many more pieces to be found along the way and some perhaps never will be.
Things are different now. I know and understand this is a lifelong journey, as many know, and we all move through it differently.
There is one piece of the puzzle that never went away for me though....and that is being a Mom....Morgan's Mom.
My hope is that as a mentor to someone, that is walking their path, I can perhaps be a glimmer of hope.
Hope that they too can get through the minutes that feel like hours, days that feel like a week, and a week that feels like a month.
Hope that they have the opportunity to share how they are feeling or maybe not talk at all but just know someone sits with them and understands.
Hope that the night even if all the stars are covered by clouds does turn into a sunlit sky in the morning.
And hope that they will find their puzzle pieces that fit in a space that fills a void.
Even though it may not be the same piece it will help to slowly make the picture not seem as broken.
We all have our own journey and there is no rushing it that I can speak.
I guess I can say one of the most important lessons for me is to be patient and kind to ourselves during the healing process. No matter how long that takes. Even if it is a lifetime.
Inspired by Dawn’s story? We were too!
Dawn is currently one of our teams Compassionate Mentors. Compassionate Mentors are NOT therapists but a friend along the path to listen and understand. If you are finding yourself resonating with Dawn story on your own life’s journey, join our free community for “Caregrievers” today!
After you join you’ll be able to access the free service, Compassionate Mentoring. We will match you with Dawn or one of our other mentors. Learn more about Compassionate Mentoring here.
At Project eleven 44 we support “Caregrievers” of all stripes with resources (including sponsored respite retreats each year), support, hope and community around conscious grieving.
